I have been a Christian since I was 12, and I came to faith through reading a Gideons Bible during a year of difficult changes in my home life. After some wonderful years of spiritual growth I spent 4-5 years out of church during which I had my daughter and began to sink into addiction. It was not neatly swept away when I came back to God and I continue to struggle with my sobriety. I am, it seems, an accidental Anglican – my spiritual family is at a Church of England church in Bebington where I am learning how to serve in the body of Christ using the gifts I have been given.
I am a doctor, and swing between that being who I am and what I do, working in radiation Oncology. I am long term disabled after an injury in 2012, after which I stopped drinking entirely for 2.5 years, and for the vast majority of the years since. I am an alcoholic and addict (now that’s definitely who I am not what I do!!!) and I have many of the weaknesses that are documented within the ‘alcoholic’ personality.
My only daughter was adopted in March 2013 as a result of my alcoholism. She was 6 years old. I miss her daily.
I am in the midst of recovery – physical, emotional and spiritual. We never get to know – as Aslan says, in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, what might have been. I try not to torture myself.
Why blog? The short answer is that writing is my gifting.
Initially I started because there didn’t seem to be that many Christians in addiction recovery and when I looked for that voice in the midst of my chaotic illness, I couldn’t find hear it. No-one seemed to be saying that my God, in whom I had believed since I was 12, had saved them from addiction. The very few I did find condemned addiction as entirely sin (more on this in some of my posts) and this would send me down into a spiral of self-pitying unworthiness and depression. The “God of AA” wasn’t enough – I believe in a revealed God, through His Word, but I could not stop drinking. The only solution for helpless, hopeless alcoholics is a spiritual solution – for me it is the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, not only able to save me in the next life but also in this. I couldn’t find the voice of anyone who had survived through the adoption of their beloved child(ren) or anywhere to talk about those issues without judgement. I spent months wondering if there was a need for someone to talk about these things. “Here am I, Lord. Send me”.
I’ve picked it back up again after hearing God’s reminders – somewhat continually over the years – and forced myself despite the acquisition of Crohn’s disease and its glorious (not) complications and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) to make time to write. It may not be all that frequent but I think I still have a voice that might be helpful to be heard.