When I came round in ITU, (which took about 4 days, I am told, not for me the sudden extubation and yelling that I subsequently witnessed,) I was wrapped up for most of my waking and sleeping hours in the delusional memory I had laid down during my first 10 days there, sedated and intubated. But as that lifted from me, the first real thought that I could hang onto, was I am being held, in my Father’s arms. I didn’t know, then, just how sick I had been, but my times were truly then in his hands (Ps 31) and although, truth be told, just before the incident that took me to hospital, I would have been ready to die, it was not yet time for me. Isaiah 49v16 (though slightly out of context here) says, “See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hand” – I am more than held, I can never be let go.
My questions, daily, that arise out of this are what, then, am I saved for? What does this “held” life look like on a daily basis?
In some ways the answer is very easy, I am not special and different from other Christians, and so this resurrection life that I am called to, is to come to each fork in the road and choose the path that is for Him, rather than for my own selfish nature. To love Him more, and follow Him more closely.
In some ways there are little differences these days – my every step speaks of his healing hand, but sometimes I am called to (and reluctant to) speak of this with my mouth, as well as letting it speak for itself. I was very lost, and He came and found and rescued me. The only story I have is mine and it is for telling.
Life takes a lot more living now – it’s improved, from the first days home from hospital in full length splints and hugely limited, but still normal activities like getting dressed, doing bits of housework, take time and energy. I have learned a little patience and gentleness, to try and make this my work for the Lord, however much I or others are quick to dismiss it.
I am sure He has something for me to do, people for me to help and love, but it is gently, and so gently I am pushing doors, usually trying to do to much and being gently brought back to right-size thinking again. Just being held, and never being let go – that is a truth to truly bring rejoicing to heart and mind and soul.